The Hill Times, July 7th, 2008
By Kate Malloy
When Canadian soldier Fred Doucette returned from Bosnia where he had served as a UN peacekeeper in 1995, he was so full of rage that when he finally tried to get some psychiatric help, he felt like ripping out the heart of a military social worker and “shitting in the hole.”
A seasoned soldier, Mr. Doucette had been with the UN peacekeeping forces in Cyprus in the 1970s and 1980s. But as a UN peacekeeper in Bosnia he was on a “transition mission” and one he says was so horrible he could never have imagined it. As a member of the UN Protection Force, he was under narrow UN orders to help maintain a peace between the warring Bosnian Serb forces from the army of the former Yugoslavia and Bosnia’s Muslims and Croats.
But mostly, he says members of the force felt helpless or like “eunuchs in a whorehouse.”
“There were things going on there that hadn’t been seen since the Second World War, the ethnic cleansing, the atrocities, the rape camps, the concentration camps, it looked like Auschwitz. There were things that were going on and it was just overwhelming to see how they were treating each other,” says Mr. Doucette in a recent interview with
The Hill Times. In 2001, Mr. Doucette was diagnosed with severe, chronic post-traumatic stress disorder, and told he could be treated with medical help and psychotherapy after his years of buried rage, nightmares, flashbacks of violence and trauma. He was medically released from the military in 2002.
Today, he works with the Department of National Defence and Veterans Affairs Operational Stress Injury Social Support program. He runs peer support groups in New Brunswick and Prince Edward Island and helps members of the Canadian Forces who have operational stress injuries, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
According to Veterans Affairs Canada’s numbers, reported by The Canadian Press, the number of soldiers suffering from post-traumatic stress has more than tripled since Canada first deployed troops to Afghanistan, and of the 10,252 relatively young male and female veterans with a psychiatric condition, 63 per cent have a post-traumatic stress disorder.
The Operational Stress Injury Social Support group indicates 80 per cent of the operational stress injury casualties are in the Army and 80 per cent of those are from the war in Bosnia. It’s estimated 20 per cent of the Canadian Forces have post-traumatic stress disorder today, but the Department of National Defence has not officially released its numbers.
Mr. Doucette recently wrote about his Bosnian experience in his gritty and searing book
Empty Casing: A Soldier’s Memoir of Sarajevo Under Siege, published by Douglas & McIntyre.
In an interview with
The Hill Times, Mr. Doucette, who lives with his wife Janice Wiper of 35 years in Lincoln, N.B., talks about his tour of duty in Bosnia, his survivor guilt, and his singular message of hope for soldiers who feel lonely, helpless and suicidal. The interview was edited for length.
Do more soldiers out there have PTSD and aren’t saying? “I think so and I think we’re scratching maybe at the tip of the iceberg and there’s no real comparison, but it’s like the figures on rape and sexual assault: for every one reported rape, they figure that there’s 10 unreported. Now not that these people won’t get the help, but they may be delaying it while they’re in the military.”
You were trained to kill as a soldier and yet when you were in Sarajevo as a UN peacekeeper you couldn’t use force. Did that make your trauma worse and if you were allowed to use force, would that have made it any better? “It’s odd, but when I look back at that anger that I had, it was more of an eventual thing, and we could still defend ourselves. In Bosnia, if someone shot at us, we could shoot back. However, as a soldier, it’s almost as if when you’re shooting back you think, ‘Okay was it warranted? Well Bob got hit and I shot back. Or maybe I should have shot back before Bob got hit.’ But it’s that judgment call.
“But it wasn’t so much had we been able to just shoot back, but had the mandate and our orders been robust enough, then directed us enough, and said, ‘You can intervene, if you see these things.’ … When we went to NATO, we had that robust mandate that if we saw looting, burning, anything like that, [the orders were to] ‘Stop, get out, sort it out. It may not require shooting, but if somebody shot at us, let’s clear this place up.’ So it’s all about how robust the mandate is because the difference between murdering and killing with a soldier is that we kill under orders that are specific and detailed.”
You talk about feeling terror when you first got to Sarajevo. But did nothing prepare you for Sarajevo? “No. We train right to the limit, but during the training and deep in your mind you’re thinking, ‘They’re not going to kill me. It’ll be scary, but they’re not going to kill me.’ You know when you’re in training, you may feel, ‘We’ve run for 10 miles, and I’m hungry and I’m tired,’ but you know, that it’s going to end and they’re not going to run you until you die.”
But don’t you get the soldiers together in advance and tell them, ‘You could die.’ Do you not do anything like that? “Probably very little because you’re trying to focus them on the mission, the leader especially. There are subtle ways when you’re doing the first-aid, you really make sure they know what they’re doing and it’s stressing the point, ‘This could be you, this could be your mate.’ But it’s a fine line because you don’t want to put the fear of God in them about all these things because you can traumatize them before they go. The fear of the unknown is a horrible thing, so you keep that fair balance. The thing that I think they could be doing is teaching them that when they get back to that safe area, they should breathe, think, ground yourself, talk to a mate. I think we could be doing more of that because when I went through the therapy I thought of some of the things they taught me and I thought, ‘Holy geez, I wish I would have known this before I went.’ It wasn’t rocket science, it wasn’t demeaning.”
Do you have an example? “Just breathing. I found out, and a therapist told me, that my breathing was very shallow. She told me I had to learn to breathe and it’s amazing how it works. In Bosnia, when I was in Sarajevo, I’d sit on my little cot and I had a 40-ouncer of Drambuie and I’d bring it out and I’d breathe a couple of glugs of that and then, clomp, I’d be out. But there are subtle things you can do. There’s a program where they send soldiers, Homewood and Bellwood are two organizations in Ontario, where they send soldiers and veterans who have PTSD and addictions because you’ve got to treat both of them at the same time, they’re connected.”
What are the addictions to, usually? “Alcohol, they could be drugs, it could be gambling, but it’s an addiction of some type where you’ve got to treat the PTSD and the addiction together. So they have a two-month program, in-house. It’s very well-run, there’s a success rate in the sense that 70 per cent of the people don’t come back, or they don’t reoffend, or they don’t get into the thing. But I went there when they first started the program to visit and to be with the first group as peer support and one of the first lectures was how to deal with boredom and loneliness, and I was thinking, I wish somebody had taught me how to do that because in a theatre of operation you’re bored and lonely 90 per cent of the time, but 10 per cent of the time it’s sheer terror.”
Do PTSD and the drug addiction go hand in hand? “Not fully. It’s self-medication, it’s like I can’t sleep, I’ll drink 12 beers, I pass out, I get some form of sleep, I’m angry all the time, maybe I’ll do marijuana, cocaine, I don’t know; whatever takes the edge off and mellows me out. But the stats we have are in males, it’s alcohol and there’s probably about 50 per cent and females there’s probably about 35 per cent who use that as a self-medication. These are the people who have PTSD.”
Is the PTSD just among the infantrymen? “No. There’s no rank, no trade, no gender. It’ll hit everybody. This is where the fear of the unknown comes in.”
And it’s 10 per cent of the Canadian Forces have PTSD, period? “That’s the figures they come up with, however, and I don’t have any new figures but ones we were using for a while, and if you had the pie chart, 80 per cent of the OSI casualties are in the Army, the other 20 per cent is mixed between the Navy and the Air Force. …
But the 80 per cent of the casualties are in the Army and, oddly enough, some of the figures we had a few years ago, about 80 per cent of that 80 per cent were in Bosnia.”
Why was that? “Because that was, I’d say, the transition mission from what we considered traditional peacekeeping where we went in after and somebody said, ‘Okay, there’s the line, the war’s over, they’ve gone through a peace agreement, and now we’re going to stand here to make sure you guys don’t go back at it.’ In Bosnia, the war raged, there was no peace agreement, the mandate we spoke about was fairly narrow and there were things going on there that hadn’t been seen since the Second World War; the ethnic cleansing, the atrocities, the rape camps, the concentration camps, it looked like Auschwitz. There were things that were going on and it was just overwhelming to see how they were treating each other.
“And I say Canada is an intelligent, caring country, and soldiers who come from Canada are intelligent, caring people, and even though we’re trained soldiers, when you put them into a situation like that, their intelligence says that’s wrong and they’re caring enough to get out of that vehicle, and go over and say, ‘Stop, get out of here.’
“But the mandate says, ‘No that convoy is going from here to here and you’re to protect it, stay mounted.’ And you drive by and you do that enough to a soldier, it’s like sending a fireman to the fire and saying, ‘No, stay in the truck, put the hose down and watch it burn, but you can help unload the wood that’s going to rebuild the house. And you’re going to crack.’ You come back from a tour, it doesn’t matter where, with a little bit of guilt or a fairly profound amount. You always doubt, ‘Did I do my job well? Or I wonder how that family’s doing or I wonder how that little kid’s doing, the one who lives down around the corner I used to throw some candy to every day.’
“I came back with the guilt of not having enough dressings to help people; you’re standing there and thinking I’ve got none left. It’s bizarre but that was a little thing that nipped away at me and the guilt of knowing that I’m leaving, that I’m not here forever, because you know when the shit hits the fan, they’re going to get me out of here and even if it’s in six months, eight months, 12 months, I’m going home and you’re looking at these people and say, ‘Hopefully, I did my bit.’ Now there’s a portion that’ll come back and say, ‘I don’t give a shit what happens to them,’ but that’s that mix of people and, on average, you’d be hard-pressed to find a soldier who didn’t have some type of guilt or some type of, ‘I wish I could have done more,’ now with the operations going on and guys are coming back with the guilt of, ‘I survived and Bob didn’t or Ted didn’t,’ or ‘Six were killed in that vehicle, and I lived,’ so there’s survivor guilt.”
You run the peer support group now? “Our organization is set up across the country, we’re at all the major bases, there’s about 22 peer support coordinators which I work directly with the veteran or the soldier and we have a dozen women who have experienced a husband, a loved one with an OSI, and they work with the families and part of our thing is to run support groups. We do one on one. It’s most of what we do.
“I meet with the soldier who’s sniffing out and said, ‘Fred, things aren’t going good, I’m not sleeping,’ and I just listen and say, ‘Well, here’s the path, you’ve got to go and see a doctor, go and go in and spill your guts to the doctor and here’s what will happen after.’ But the family component [of the peer support] does the same thing because I know this guy has a wife and kids and I say, ‘Give this card to your wife and call Jennifer who works there in Gagetown with me,’ so we cover New Brunswick and P.E.I., and there’s people in Petawawa, there’s people in Ottawa and our program is co-sponsored. I’m a government employee with DND. We’re managed by DND and Veterans Affairs because we don’t care if you’re serving or out. I’ve got an Australian guy, I’ve got an RCMP guy, I’ve got a few Americans. We don’t care, it’s not a big deal because it’s just somebody to reach out to.”
What are the Canadian soldiers saying today from Afghanistan? What are their complaints? “Oddly enough, a lot of the guys I talk to, Afghanistan is not their first mission, it’s just the one that overloaded the system because they’ve been to Bosnia, Haiti, Rwanda, Ethiopia, Somalia. Some of the guys have had two or three trips to Bosnia and they’ve been to Afghanistan and the old rucksack is finally full and they say, ‘I’ve given everything I’ve got Fred and this one finally broke the back.’ I’ve only spoken to a handful who come and say this is their first mission and usually they were involved in a roadside bomb and they lost friends. I’d say a fair amount of the guys I get are just burnt out and need help and can’t do it anymore, so you get the gamut of ranks too, from corporals to sergeant-majors, saying ‘It’s over.’ They’re overloaded with grief, trauma, and the stress, and holding it together and packing it away, it’s like trying to hold water in a fishing net, it doesn’t work and very rarely will the guys sit and talk and talk about the details.”
What’s the suicide rate in the Armed Forces? “I have no idea, honestly. All I know is I got a call the other day about a fella [who committed suicide] in the Maritimes and they asked me, ‘Fred, was he on your list?’ I said no and he said, ‘Well he committed suicide and we’ve been talking to his wife and I don’t know why he hit the wall to the point where he killed himself.’ …Even if he served here, here, and here, unless he left a note saying he was in therapy and diagnosed and then committed suicide, you can say he was headed down that road. Unless they leave a note saying, ‘I offed myself because I couldn’t live with the trauma I seen in here.’ But I’ve lost several friends over the years who know what drove them there, but when I think about [how many] and sometimes you paint yourself into a corner and when you’re taking counsel only from yourself.
“I used to compare it to running. I used to run by myself and I could convince myself to quit within two kilometers, but when you run in a group, you gab a bit with each other, working a bit with each other and the next thing you know you’ve done 10 kilometres and you’re back. Well when you’re doing the same thing with trauma, you can convince yourself to do anything and when you’re taking counsel from yourself and saying, ‘You weak bastard. What are going to do now? There’s no options here. There’s no options there’ and the next you know you convince yourself to kill yourself. I know I was at a point where I didn’t say I was going to kill myself but I do remember thinking, ‘End it now. Somebody just end this world now.’ I probably didn’t have the wherewithal to want to do it myself, but if somebody were to drop a big brick on my head that would have been fine.
“But the guys I talked to were straightforward and we all have suicide intervention training, but probably within the first five minutes I’ll ask the guy if he ever wanted to kill himself. Some guys say no and some say, ‘Yeah I’ve sat down in the basement looking at the shotgun.’ I’ve had guys who have given me their weapons and have said ‘Fred, can you take this out of here because I don’t trust myself in the house,’ and … I’ve visited about 10 fellas who are in the ward in the Chalmers Hospital in Fredericton and in Charlottetown who were there either because of suicide attempts or vocalizing that they wanted to kill themselves.”
In your book, you write about the frustration of trying to get help from the Department of National Defence. Has the process of soldiers wanting to get help improved? “Yep. I’ve got to admit, that was frustrating probably because of the person I saw. The second person I saw, I didn’t do the full disclosure thing, and I just minimized my problems and I could have gotten help then if I’d been honest, but when I did step forward in 2001 and finally spilled my guts to the doc and got referred for assessment. It’s even better today because they’re doing a lot more detection. There’s a third location for decompression now. Troops don’t go right home from theatre. They go to a third location. They’ve got no army gear, they’re in shorts and T-shirts and in a resort sort of atmosphere with water and facilities. You can go sea-dooing, you can go on a wine tour, you can eat in a pub, you can get fall-down drunk if you want, which a lot of them don’t because they just want to rest.”
Empty Casing: A Soldier’s Memoir of Sarajevo Under Siege, by Fred Doucette, Foreword by Roméo Dallaire, Douglas & McIntrye, 228 pages, $34.95. kmalloy@hilltimes.com The Hill Times